QUARANZINE: THE APRIL LOOMS EDITION

quaranzine

 

***FLASH FICTION OF THE QUARANTINE

1the gold doughnut

Dirk B. got wind of the underground Cough-In raves from a friend of a friend of a friend who pushed an ironically-wrapped (old sandwich bag including crumbs) note through the slit in his door at an obscene hour like ten in the morning or something.  The slit in Dirk’s door had a hinged aluminum guard over it so whenever bills or proliferating pizza-delivery flyers slipped through it woke Dirk up with a clank. When the note about the underground Cough-In rave slipped through, Dirk was dreaming of gold, doughnut-sized doughnuts glazed in a sugary spray one merely licked and kept on chains around one’s neck and,  if one really liked another,  one offered one’s gold doughnut for the other to lick after hand-spraying  a gold doughnut with the cheerful purse-sized sugar-sprays one carried for that purpose. Dirk had sprayed a gold doughnut on a chain around his neck and handed it to a pretty lady to lick though sudden anxiety that the lady wasn’t a lady at all had given rise to a greater anxiety that this anxiety would distort the dream and cause the dream to present the lady that way (as not a lady) and Dirk realized, therefore, that he realized the dream was a dream and his eyes popped open as though Dirk didn’t have time for mere counterfeits of life.  The sun was a bright gray presence with a slashed face at Dirk’s blinds. And then Dirk heard his slit-guard clank.  Atop an ever-spreading blood-red gloss of pizza-delivery flyers was the used blue sandwich baggie holding the note on Red Cross stationery Dirk read while clearing his throat as if he meant to speak.

 

2up from the cellar

Myra punched the cat while Grazziana wasn’t looking. It fell off the upper rim of the jade-green sofa, trimmed in silver-painted, ornately-carved wood,  from a Bavarian estate still shrouded in the mists of a sinister insinuation about its postWar years. The cat was thirty two. Grazziana had had the once-generic cat in a cradle with her since day three or four of her life as an escapee from a prostitute’s teeming womb. Its eyes were missing. It smelled of cellar and thing-piss. Grazziana the dead ringer for Suzanne Pleshette with a goatee long and dark and wispy as (sighted from across the valley) rain.

 

3the dish washer

I said I’m fine, Mumma. Don’t worry about me. People aren’t like that here. Because they aren’t.  No they don’t. No they do not.  No they don’t.  Well look who’s talking. You’re more hung up on it than I am. Yes you are. Because nobody, that’s who. Oh please. Your source is?  Don’t make me laugh,  Mumma. Mumma, that’s nonsense. You’re the one we should  worry about.  Well duh. I told you how many times? How many times I told you we should have spent the last of the settlement on a washing machine?  Well I’m surprised you haven’t.  You know what I mean. Your meat isn’t that tough yet, Mumma. Mumma, do I have to spell it out?  Okay, you asked for it. Rhymes with GRAPED. That’s not funny. Because it isn’t.   I know it’s empty at that hour.  Mumma,  duh, that’s my point. When it’s empty you are most at risk.  Who cares if you stink? Mumma, who cares?  We have to be realistic. No you can’t. No you can NOT.  Have you looked in the mirror I am looking in, Mumma? You can NOT disprove a negative. Even if you could you shouldn’t.

 

4first date

Dirk B.  met Britt Düncker in the refrigerated aisle of the REWE located in the former Ackerhalle in the former East formerly populated by citizens who  had earned and spent and sometimes banked the former Deutschmark. The re-purposed Ackerhalle was now packed with Expat (and wannabe Expat) Hipsters on the first warm Saturday of the month, despite the looming quarantine insinuated by a government loath to commit to draconian measures in light of two world-historic legacies that had stained the city’s paving stones so black they were unbearably beautiful in the ultraviolet light of the Hipster imagination.  Imagine fearing for your life every time you went shopping. Imagine having to change your name or hide your circumcised dick from view in the athletic club shower. Dirk B. and Britt Düncker were both wearing snarky black bandanna-like face-masks of dubious germ-filtration value printed with cartoony shark-grins. Their eyes met and communicated bemusement and Dirk B. gestured with florid  mock-chivalrousness (to undercut the inherent chauvinism, of the gesture,  with gender-blank irony, he felt) that Britt should reach for, and take possession of, one of the two last large smoked Herta Salamis they each clearly coveted, first, before Dirk. Britt took both.

 

5the names*

Harry Pesh. Kinsey Kevornal. Lottie Cox. Gordy Overenjoy. Charisma Krisptürk. Piggi Courij. Grayn Dupaye. Necrodeus. Gus Fuff. Ruby Menzis. Hefner Goebel.  Bobbi Amaletcha. Ouida Pleen. Turt Zackie. Gibber Klepp the 2nd. Cygne Bunman. Lacuna Dang. Nelson Freudeschaden. Marlom DeLoonate. Lugubra Nain-Huffet. Dr. BT Bommerff.  Biyall “Didi” Dundall.

[*all victims of The Plague’s Unprecedented Surge in April]

 

*******     *************************************    ***      ***************

***A PLAGUE-ERA BEDTIME STORY FOR YOUR CLUED-IN KIDDIES

 

Cat Lady Takes a Day Off

Cat Lady takes a Day Off. She said to herself:  “It’s good that I have a day off because I don’t have to hiss anymore… but it’s good to have so much money from all the customers! And the all the beans taste yummy!”

Then she bought some things in another shop. Cat Lady noticed another cat in the other shop. She said to the other cat, “I have a shop, too. But it’s a bean shop.”

And the other cat said: “This shop is an ice cream shop. Want to have an ice cream?”

And Cat Lady said: “Okay. “

The other cat said: “Each cone costs €500!”

And Cat Lady said: “Okay! In my bean shop, each bean costs €1,000! So that’s why I can pay! I would like two ice creams, please, with a cone!”

The other cat smiled until Cat Lady gave her one bean to pay for both ice creams.

“What?” said the other cat.

“I told you,” said Cat Lady, “my beans are worth €1,000 each. One bean equals two ice creams!”

“Nooooo!” screamed the other cat.

“YESSSSSSS!” said Cat Lady and she showed her sharp teeth and claws.

THE END

 

Gugl

 

***QUARANZINE TELEVISION

 

 

 

***QUARANZINE RADIO

 

 

 

 

****HISTORY FOR SHUT-INS:

HOW BETTER TO SPEND THE DAYS OF SEMI-VOLUNTARY SELF-SEQUESTERING THAN IN HAVING ONE’S EYES OPENED TO ONE OF THE MANY STUPENDOUS CONS WITH WHICH ONE’S UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD WAS DISTORTED EARLY ON? THE DESIRED COG DISS CLIMAX SHOULD BE: “WELL IF THEY LIED TO ME ABOUT THAT…”

TODAY’S JARRING HISTORY LESSON:

ABE AND THE SLAVES

(citing, extensively, the work of Historian Lerone Bennett, Jr)

Below is a nice aggregation of Lincoln’s own words on the matter of Blacks and the Institution of North American Chattel Slavery, along with the words of his contemporaries and colleagues.

The Lincoln citations can all be confirmed in his Collected Works,  and in their original context,  which makes the intent of each statement crystal-clear.

The gist and meat of this aggregation of damning evidence against the Whitewashed Hologram of Abraham Lincoln comes from Lerone Bennett Jr.’s “Forced Into Glory”.

This aggregation of Bennett’s factual arguments (based on Lincoln’s own words and those of his contemporaries) are sourced, for this article, HERE; the majority of my article contains direct copy-and-pastes from this site. These words are mine:

Now, either Abraham Lincoln suffered from MPD, or our common “knowledge” of his outlook and career were fatally compromised and intentionally distorted by the quasi-historical nonsense we’ve been fed since Kindergarten, though the latter case is the most likely, you must admit.

The Abe Lincoln his own words and deeds reveals is not the hologram you admire.

***

“At least one observer, General James S. Wadsworth, who had been “with the President and Stanton every day at the War Department—frequently for five or six hours—during several months,” told New York Tribune correspondent Adams S. Hill that Lincoln was still committed to the Old Union and was on his way to the other place.

“He says,” Hill told his managing editor, “that the President is not with us; has no Anti-slavery instincts. He never heard him speak of anti-slavery men, otherwise than as ‘radicals,’ ‘abolitionists,’ and of the ‘nigger question,’ he frequently speaks.” (449)

Monitoring all this, and collating the information he received from Lincoln insiders, Adam Gurowski told his diary in August 1862 that the President is indefatigable in his efforts to—save slavery.” (453)

But Lincoln had no intention of dealing with racism or even discussing it. He didn’t seek the opinions of his visitors. He was simply, he said, presenting a fact: Whites didn’t want Blacks in America and therefore Blacks would have to go. “There is an unwillingness on the part of our people, harsh as it may be, for you free colored people to remain with us.” The only solution from his standpoint, that is to say, from a White standpoint, was a Black exodus.”It is better for us both,” he said twice, “to be separated.” (458)

Frederick Douglass attacked Lincoln’s logic and his racism, saying that a horse thief pleading that the existence of the horse is the apology for his theft or a highway man contending that the money in the traveler’s pocket is the sole first cause of his robbery are about as much entitled to respect as is the President’s reasoning at this point. Lincoln’s position didn’t surprise Douglass. “Illogical and unfair as Mr. Lincoln’s statements are, they are nevertheless quite in keeping with his whole course from the beginning of his administration up to this day, and confirm the painful conviction that though elected as an anti-slavery man by Republican and Abolition voters, Mr. Lincoln is quite a genuine representative of American prejudice and Negro hatred and far more concerned for the preservation of slavery, and the favor of the Border Slave States, than for any sentiment of magnanimity or principle of justice and humanity.” (460-1)

Far from being an anomaly, Lincoln’s ethnic cleansing plan was the cornerstone of his military and political agenda and was based on what Randall called a “grand design” for a new White America without slaves—and without Blacks. (464-5)”

 


Stephen Arnold Douglas (April 23, 1813 – June 3, 1861) was an American politician and lawyer from Illinois. He was one of the Democratic Party nominees for president in the 1860 election which was won by Republican candidate Abraham Lincoln. Douglas had previously bested Lincoln in the 1858 Illinois election for the United States Senate, which is known for the Lincoln–Douglas debates. During the 1850s, Douglas was one of the foremost advocates of popular sovereignty, which held that each territory should be allowed to determine whether to permit slavery within its borders. Douglas was nicknamed the “Little Giant” because he was short in physical stature, but a forceful and dominant figure in politics. (WIKI)

 

Douglas said this country was made by White people for White people; Lincoln said “why, in point of mere fact, I think so too.” Douglas said he was against Black people voting and serving on juries; Lincoln said he was against the same things. Douglas said he was against intermarriage; Lincoln said it was wrong to suggest that he was for “the niggers and white people … marrying together.” Douglas said he was in favor of Black slavery where it existed; Lincoln said he supported slavery where it existed and was for the Fugitive Slave Law as well. What was left? Nothing really except the extension of slavery and the language to be used to justify racism. (306)

Lincoln continued the appeasement theme in his Inaugural Address, saying he had neither the power nor the desire to interfere with slavery in the Southern states. To doubters and naysayers of that day, and of this one, he provided what he called the most ample evidence,” saying:

“Apprehension seems to exist among the people of the Southern States, that by the accession of a Republican Administration, their property [he meant their slaves], and their peace, and personal security, are to be endangered. There has never been any reasonable cause for such apprehension. Indeed, the most ample evidence to the contrary has all the while existed, and been open to their inspection. It is found in nearly all the published speeches of him who now addresses you. I do but quote from one of those speeches when I declare that ‘I have no purpose, directly or indirectly, to interfere with the institution of slavery in the States where it exists. I believe I have no lawful right to do so, and I have no inclination to do so.'”

Frederick Douglass, among others, objected to the word inclination, which indicated once again that Lincoln had no disposition or desire to strike at slavery. Criticizing the “inhuman coldness,” of the “double-tongued” address, and speaking for the slave, Douglass said Lincoln “has avowed himself ready to catch [slaves] if they run away, to shoot them down if they rise against their oppressors, and to prohibit the Federal Government irrevocably from interfering for their deliverance.”

Underlining that point, the man who gained some fame by saying that a half-slave, half-free nation could not endure permanently announced to the world that he was in favor of a proposed thirteenth amendment that would have made America permanently half slave and half free:

“I understand a proposed amendment to the Constitution …. has passed Congress, to the effect that the federal government, shall never interfere with the domestic institutions of the States, including that of persons held to service. To avoid misconstruction of what I have said, I depart from my purpose not to speak of particular amendments, so far as to say that, holding such a provision to now be implied constitutional law, I have no objection to its being made express, and irrevocable.”


This amendment, the first thirteenth amendment, was passed by Congress and sent to the states for ratification. Two states—Ohio and Maryland—actually ratified the amendment before the firing on Fort Sumter short-circuited the process. (The second thirteenth amendment, never approved by Congress, was the first of three amendments Lincoln proposed for buying and deporting native-born African-Americans.)


If there was any doubt, then and now, about the policy of the administration with no policy, Secretary Seward set the record straight, telling the United States ambassador to France in an official communique that “the condition of slavery in the several states would remain just the same whether it [the rebellion succeeds or fails” and that it “was hardly necessary to add to this incontrovertible statement the further fact that the new President has always repudiated all designs, whenever and wherever imputed to him, of disturbing the system of slavery as it has existed under the constitution and laws.” (339-41)

On the same day, with almost the same breath, General McClellan issued the following proclamation to the people of West Virginia:

“Notwithstanding all that has been said by the traitors to induce you to believe that our advent among you will be signalized by interference with your slaves understand one thing clearly—not only will we abstain from all such interferences, but we will, on the contrary, with an iron hand crush insurrection on their part.” (344)

Lincoln usually expressed his opposition to emancipation in a troubled but polite tone, but he could be pushed across the border of politeness. When Edward L. Pierce urged the president to adopt a more enlightened policy, Lincoln, according to Pierce, exploded and denounced “the itching to get niggers into our lives.” Other White House visitors reported that the mere mention of the word slave made Lincoln nervous. (351)

The blood was real, but the strategy was surreal, based on one of history’s greatest illusions, an illusion shared not only by the people but also and most importantly by the leaders, who feared the darkness, in the literal sense, so much that they blinded themselves to keep from seeing the light. How else explain the words that the commander in chief spoke to Jessie Benton Fremont in opposition to her husband’s order freeing Missouri slaves. “The President,” she said, “went on almost angrily …. the General should never have dragged the Negro into the war. It is a war for a great national object and the Negro has nothing to do with it.”

This was not an isolated statement, made in anger. Lincoln said he same thing privately and publicly. And it was this idea—the idea f preserving government of White people for White people—that Lincoln was arguing for at Gettysburg. (357-8)

The new president’s racial policy was based on the wildest idea ever presented to the American people by an American president. What Lincoln proposed officially and publicly was that the United States government buy the slaves and deport them to Africa or South America. This was not a passing whim. In five major policy declarations, including two State of the Union addresses and the Preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, the sixteenth president of the United States publicly and officially called for the deportation of Blacks. On countless other occasions, in conferences with cronies, Democratic and Republican leaders and high government officials, he called for colonization of Blacks or aggressively promoted colonization by private and official acts. (381)

 

 

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