—-FREE BUMPERSTICKER CONCEPTS FOR THE SUPER-CLUED-IN—-
***”IT’S THE NEONICOTINOIDS, STUPID!”
***”I BRAKE FOR TRIGGER-HAPPY CENTURIONS”
***”MEN STARE AT MY BOOBS THE WAY I STARE AT BABIES: LIKE THEY THINK THEY’RE HARDWIRED TO DO IT!”
***”C02 = PLANT AIR, DIPSHIT”
***”WTF R U ‘CONSERVING’ EXCEPT UR PRIVILEGE?”
***”ANTI-WAR, PRO-SEX, AMBIVALENT TOWARDS MONEY: BRING BACK THE GENUINE LEFT”
***”CALL ME WHATEVER YOU LIKE WHILE I DO WHATEVER I PLEASE”
***”UNPLANNED BABY ON BOARD”
***”MY OTHER CAR IS IN A FANCY GARAGE FOR CAPITALIST MIRAGES”
***”THE BEARDED, VAGUELY-LEVANTINE, ANUS-FREE SKY GIANT IS WATCHING”
***”OK, KONSOOOMER!”
***”WHO TAUGHT YOU TO PRONOUNCE ‘VEGAN’ WITH A LONG ‘E’ AND A HARD ‘G,’ AN ILLITERATE VEEGITABLE?”
***”ARE LIBERALS SUCKING ALL THE FUN OUT OF SPITTLE-FLECKING DOGMATISM?”
***”IF YOU’D EVER BEEN YOUNG, YOU’D KNOW HOW I FEEL”
***”THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A COMMUNIST TURDUCKEN”
***”OOPS, WE CAN’T RECOVER THE FILES? GET THAT FUCKING MANSPLAINER BACK IN HERE”
***”THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE (UNLESS YOU’RE SERVING THAT COUNTRY WE PLAN TO INVADE)”
***”I’M DEFYING THE GOVERNMENT BY JOINING THIS PROTEST THE GOVERNMENT TOLD ME ABOUT”
***”I KNEW IF I WAITED LONG ENOUGH THE RED SCARE WOULD COME BACK!”
***”STEVIE WONDER AIN’T BLIND, SHERLOCK: WHAT ELSE ARE YOU MISSING?”
***”IF POWERFUL FORCES WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST US, WOULDN’T THEY BE CLEVER ENOUGH TO MAKE EVEN THE NOTION OF CONSPIRACIES SEEM RIDICULOUS?”
***”FAT IS A FEMINIST ISSUE! FRONT AND CENTER, LESBIAN PALLBEARERS!”
***”IT’S OKAY: I’M A HATER FOR OUR SIDE”
***”ADVERTIZING DOESN’T WORK ON ME. I’M GUIDED BY INTUITION TO THE UNAFFORDABLE CLUTTER I CONSUME UNCONTROLLABLY“
***”I VOTE, I PRAY, I BELIEVE IN TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS: I’M A TINFOIL CONSERVATIVE”
***”LOVE EXTRACTED BY FORCE OR SUBTERFUGE IS HATE WITH A LONGER FUSE”
***”AMERICA: WHERE WE EAT TO LOSE WEIGHT, SPEND TO SAVE MONEY AND DISCRIMINATE TO SUPPORT EQUALITY!”
***”I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I SAID I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR”
***”I WAIVE THE FLAG”
***”STOP BODY-SHAMING, MICRO-DICK!”
***”WOMANSPREADING: ONLY IF I LIKE YOU“
***”COLLECTIVE HISTORICAL MALE EUROPEAN CULTURE IS THE AUTHOR OF MANY (THOUGH NOT ALL) OF THE EVILS I ABHOR… AS WELL AS MANY (THOUGH NOT ALL) OF THE CONVENIENCES AND NECESSITIES I RELY ON AND MOST ENJOY! JUST BEING HONEST.”
***”MEGA-SEXY SUPER-HOTTIES: THEY ONLY WANT US FOR OUR MONEY”
***”IMPEACH THE TEMPORARY FIGUREHEAD”
***”IS YOUR BEDROOM AN ANAGRAM OF BOREDOM?”
***I’M A MAN WHO WAS BORN IN A WOMAN’S BODY: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”
***”MARCHING FOR PEACE IS LIKE JERKING-OFF FOR RAINBOWS”
***”RIGHT-WINGERS ARE SO FRIGGIN STUPID THEY’VE BEEN RUNNING THE WORLD FOR CENTURIES”
***”THERE ARE VERY FEW DISGUSTING THINGS AN OLD MAN CAN DO THAT DON’T BECOME CUTE WHEN AN OLD WOMAN TRIES THEM”
****”OUR DOG WAS A VEGETARIAN FOR ALL OF HER SHORT, SICK, BITTER LIFE”
***”BLING IS A STATE OF MIND”
***”IT WAS EITHER MCDONALD’S OR THE MILITARY… AND MCDONALD’S DOESN’T OFFER LETHAL INADEQUATE-PHALLUS-REPLACEMENT TECHNOLOGY THAT COMES WITH AN AIRTIGHT ALIBI”
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CELEBRITY DEATH PREDICTIONS
It’s Time for the next batch. Who will it be? My Guess…
1 GODARD-JULY 2-2020 [boredom]
2 RINGO-NOV 2020 [booze, drugs, sex, happiness]
3 MADONNA- AUG 2020 [complications from irreversible irrelevance]
4 TINA TURNER-NOV 2020 [way older than claimed]
5 KEITH RICHARDS- MAR 2030 [ready for it]
6 MICK JAGGER-OCT 2020 [testicular botox error]
7 OPRAH- SEPT 2032 [drowning in private ocean]
8 BOB DYLAN-AUG 2020 [sounds like throat cancer]
9 JONI MITCHELL-SEPT 2020 [too good for this world]
10 NOAM CHOMSKY-JULY 2020 [will accidentally say something genuinely dangerous]
11 JIMMY CARTER- SEPT 2020 [after finally breaking even, morally ]
12 PAUL MCCARTNEY-2023 [bad fall while dashing on stage]
13 JOE BIDEN-SEPT 2020 [increasing liability]
14 BETTY WHITE & KIRK DOUGLAS- MAR 2020 [immortality fatigue]-[KIRK: DECEASED FEB 5 2020, hours after I wrote this]
15 BILL CLINTON- SEPT 2020 [sheer evil + STDs]
16 CAITLYN JENNER- DEC 25 2020 [will take one for the reality show team]
17 GW BUSH-MAY 2025 [incredibly-just car accident]
18 MARTIN AMIS- APR 2021 [heart attack over good review from woman of color]
19 WILL SELF- APR 2021 [because Marty]
20 DAVID BOWIE- APR 2027 [real second death will be way less cool than the staged first one ]
21 YOKO ONO- ANY FUCKING MINUTE NOW
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In Which I fix an Onion Headline and Write A Few of My Own
ONION HEADLINE BEFORE: Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors
ONION HEADLINE AFTER: Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Nuclear Arsenal
ONIONESQUE PoMo TICKLER HEADLINES:
***Report: America to Run Out of Exotic New Minority/ Gender Types To Get Excited About As Potential Presidential Candidates, Regardless of Personal Qualities, by 2040
***Man Finds Undisclosed Amount of Pocket Change In Cracks Between Aunt’s Sofa Cushions Yet Maintains Deadpan Expression As She Returns From Kitchen
***U.S.-Military Scores Decisive Victory Over Large Group of Third-Worlders Pentagon Swears Was “Army”
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OOOPS! THE FOLLOWING VIDEO ISN’T ONION-LIKE SATIRE…. IT’S REAL! AND THESE CHILD-LOVING GROWNUPS ARE STILL IN BUSINESS, FOLKS!!! WTF? LOL
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WHAT WONDERS WILL SCIENCE BRING US NEXT????
(Not to be outdone, Gay Male Researchers in Zurich are working on a Queer-Positive scent called BIEBER’S RECTAL BEACH-BREEZE)
DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE COPY of the POMO TICKLER
THE IMPERIALIST 