THE POMO TICKLER: A TASTEFULLY EVANESCENT BLACK COMEDY MICRO-ZINE

 

—-FREE BUMPERSTICKER CONCEPTS FOR THE SUPER-CLUED-IN—-

 

***”IT’S THE NEONICOTINOIDS, STUPID!”

***”I BRAKE FOR TRIGGER-HAPPY CENTURIONS”

***”MEN STARE AT MY BOOBS THE WAY I STARE AT BABIES: LIKE THEY THINK THEY’RE HARDWIRED TO DO IT!”

***”C02 = PLANT AIR, DIPSHIT”

***”WTF  R  U  ‘CONSERVING’ EXCEPT UR PRIVILEGE?”

***”ANTI-WAR, PRO-SEX, AMBIVALENT TOWARDS MONEY:  BRING BACK THE GENUINE LEFT”

***”CALL ME WHATEVER YOU LIKE WHILE I DO WHATEVER I PLEASE”

***”UNPLANNED BABY ON BOARD”

***”MY OTHER CAR IS IN A FANCY GARAGE FOR CAPITALIST MIRAGES”

***”THE BEARDED, VAGUELY-LEVANTINE, ANUS-FREE SKY GIANT IS WATCHING”

***”OK, KONSOOOMER!”

***”WHO TAUGHT YOU TO PRONOUNCE ‘VEGAN’ WITH A LONG ‘E’ AND A HARD ‘G,’ AN ILLITERATE VEEGITABLE?”

***”ARE LIBERALS SUCKING ALL THE FUN OUT OF SPITTLE-FLECKING DOGMATISM?”

***”IF YOU’D EVER BEEN YOUNG, YOU’D KNOW HOW I FEEL”

***”THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A COMMUNIST TURDUCKEN”

***”OOPS, WE CAN’T RECOVER THE FILES? GET THAT FUCKING MANSPLAINER BACK IN HERE”

***”THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE (UNLESS YOU’RE SERVING THAT COUNTRY WE PLAN TO INVADE)”

***”I’M DEFYING THE GOVERNMENT BY JOINING THIS PROTEST THE GOVERNMENT TOLD ME ABOUT”

***”I KNEW IF I WAITED LONG ENOUGH THE RED SCARE WOULD COME BACK!”

***”STEVIE WONDER AIN’T BLIND, SHERLOCK: WHAT ELSE ARE YOU MISSING?”

***”IF POWERFUL FORCES WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST US, WOULDN’T THEY BE CLEVER ENOUGH TO MAKE EVEN THE NOTION OF CONSPIRACIES SEEM RIDICULOUS?”

***”FAT IS A FEMINIST ISSUE!  FRONT AND CENTER, LESBIAN PALLBEARERS!”

***”IT’S OKAY: I’M A HATER FOR OUR SIDE”

***”ADVERTIZING DOESN’T WORK ON ME. I’M GUIDED BY INTUITION TO THE UNAFFORDABLE CLUTTER I  CONSUME UNCONTROLLABLY

***”I VOTE, I PRAY, I BELIEVE IN TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS: I’M A TINFOIL CONSERVATIVE”

***”LOVE EXTRACTED BY FORCE OR SUBTERFUGE  IS HATE WITH A LONGER FUSE”

***”AMERICA: WHERE WE EAT TO LOSE WEIGHT, SPEND TO SAVE MONEY AND DISCRIMINATE TO SUPPORT EQUALITY!”

***”I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I SAID I WISH I HAD A DOLLAR”

***”I WAIVE THE FLAG”  

***”STOP BODY-SHAMING, MICRO-DICK!”

***”WOMANSPREADING: ONLY IF I LIKE YOU

***”COLLECTIVE HISTORICAL MALE EUROPEAN CULTURE IS THE AUTHOR OF MANY (THOUGH NOT ALL) OF THE EVILS I ABHOR… AS WELL AS MANY  (THOUGH NOT ALL) OF THE CONVENIENCES AND NECESSITIES I RELY ON AND MOST ENJOY! JUST BEING HONEST.”

***”MEGA-SEXY SUPER-HOTTIES: THEY ONLY WANT US FOR OUR MONEY”

***”IMPEACH THE TEMPORARY FIGUREHEAD”

***”IS YOUR BEDROOM AN ANAGRAM OF BOREDOM?”

***I’M A MAN WHO WAS BORN IN A WOMAN’S BODY: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!”

***”MARCHING FOR PEACE IS LIKE JERKING-OFF FOR RAINBOWS”

***”RIGHT-WINGERS ARE SO FRIGGIN STUPID THEY’VE BEEN RUNNING THE WORLD FOR CENTURIES”

***”THERE ARE VERY FEW DISGUSTING THINGS AN OLD MAN CAN DO THAT DON’T BECOME CUTE WHEN AN OLD WOMAN TRIES THEM”

****”OUR DOG WAS A VEGETARIAN FOR ALL OF HER SHORT, SICK, BITTER LIFE”

***”BLING IS A STATE OF MIND”

***”IT WAS EITHER MCDONALD’S OR THE MILITARY…  AND MCDONALD’S DOESN’T OFFER LETHAL INADEQUATE-PHALLUS-REPLACEMENT TECHNOLOGY THAT COMES WITH AN AIRTIGHT  ALIBI”

 

 

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CELEBRITY DEATH PREDICTIONS

It’s Time for the next batch. Who will it be? My Guess…

 

1 GODARD-JULY 2-2020 [boredom]

2 RINGO-NOV  2020 [booze, drugs, sex, happiness]

3 MADONNA- AUG 2020 [complications from irreversible irrelevance]

4 TINA TURNER-NOV 2020 [way older than claimed]

5 KEITH RICHARDS- MAR 2030 [ready for it]

6 MICK JAGGER-OCT 2020 [testicular botox error]

7 OPRAH- SEPT 2032 [drowning in private ocean]

8 BOB DYLAN-AUG 2020 [sounds like throat cancer]

9 JONI MITCHELL-SEPT 2020 [too good for this world]

10 NOAM CHOMSKY-JULY 2020 [will accidentally say something genuinely dangerous]

11 JIMMY CARTER- SEPT 2020 [after finally breaking even, morally ]

12 PAUL MCCARTNEY-2023 [bad fall while dashing on stage]

13 JOE BIDEN-SEPT 2020 [increasing liability]

14 BETTY WHITE & KIRK DOUGLAS- MAR 2020 [immortality fatigue]-[KIRK: DECEASED FEB 5 2020, hours after I wrote this]

15 BILL CLINTON- SEPT 2020 [sheer evil + STDs]

16 CAITLYN JENNER- DEC 25 2020 [will take one for the reality show team]

17 GW BUSH-MAY 2025 [incredibly-just car accident]

18 MARTIN AMIS- APR 2021 [heart attack over good review from woman of color]

19 WILL SELF- APR 2021 [because Marty]

20 DAVID BOWIE- APR 2027 [real second death will be way less cool than the staged first one ]

21 YOKO ONO- ANY FUCKING MINUTE NOW

 

 

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In Which I fix an Onion Headline and Write A Few of My Own

 

ONION HEADLINE BEFORE: Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors

ONION HEADLINE AFTER: Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Nuclear Arsenal

 

ONIONESQUE PoMo TICKLER HEADLINES:

***Report: America to Run Out of Exotic New Minority/ Gender Types To Get Excited About As Potential Presidential Candidates, Regardless of Personal Qualities, by 2040

***Man Finds Undisclosed Amount of Pocket Change In Cracks Between Aunt’s Sofa Cushions Yet Maintains Deadpan Expression As She Returns From Kitchen

***U.S.-Military Scores Decisive Victory Over Large Group of Third-Worlders Pentagon Swears Was “Army”

 

*********          *********************************   *********** ************************************ *** ****************   *****

OOOPS! THE FOLLOWING VIDEO ISN’T ONION-LIKE SATIRE…. IT’S REAL! AND THESE CHILD-LOVING GROWNUPS ARE STILL IN BUSINESS, FOLKS!!! WTF? LOL

 

 

 

 

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WHAT WONDERS WILL SCIENCE BRING US NEXT????

EBV

 

(Not to be outdone, Gay Male Researchers in Zurich are working on a Queer-Positive scent called BIEBER’S RECTAL BEACH-BREEZE)

 

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