LETTERS WITH ET

et

 

Sometimes, when old virtual  friend (talented professional artist ET) and I should be working (well at least we’re out of bed, each of us, and fully clothed, or, I mean, I  know I am), we exchange mildly offensive emails on topics relevant to the trendy concerns of our record-breaking era…

1.

ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
To:‘Steven Augustine’
SUBJECT: Stewart Lee
Dec 2 at 12:33 PM
.

This made me laugh

Many years ago, while wearing a Navajo jacket, I was accused of cultural appropriation. I told the zealot harassing me the jacket was a gift from a Native American shaman-clown, under whom I had studied. She backed down, humiliated, like Major General Arthur St Clair before the forces of Little Turtle and the Potawatomi, at the Battle of a Thousand Slain, on 4 November 1791.

My accuser and I began a short but tempestuous relationship, based on the thrill of committing ever more offensive ideological thought crimes. One sick night, I imagined a public library with deliberately inadequate disabled access, while she made a scale model of a unisex toilet and then vandalised it. Within weeks, our imaginary atrocities exhausted, our twisted affair ended. But I realised there may have been some truth in my ex-lover’s accusations of cultural insensitivity. Luckily, I still had the receipt for the jacket and so I returned the racist garment to Camden market, where I had bought it while shopping drunk months earlier.”

 

2.

Steven Augustine <the_augustine_authority@yahoo.com>
To: ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
Re: Stewart Lee
Dec 2 at 9:14 PM
.
Nutty Stew! Is this in the Gradiuna? Oh, and this just in:
.
“Animal rights campaigners say they will sue a sporting champion for animal cruelty after he was filmed biting the head off a live cockerel during a dinner with friends.”
.
Fucking barbarian! Couldn’t he have seasoned it, first?

3.

ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
To: ‘Steven Augustine’
Dec 3 at 9:37 AM
.

Ozzie Osbourne ought to sue him for plagiarism

 

4.

From: Steven Augustine <the_augustine_authority@yahoo.com>
Sent: 03 December 2019 09:05
To: ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
Subject: Re: Re:  Stewart Lee

.

 

Yeah, but that was a BAT, ET. No one loves BATS. People LOVE COCKERELS. Do we have pet bats? Of course not . We have cockerels.

 

5.

ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
To: ‘Steven Augustine’
Dec 3 at 10:36 AM
.

I like bats. In fact I prefer them to cockerels. They are number 7 on my Nick Hornby-esque list of Animals That I Like ( which I update on a yearly basis ). Cockerels are number 312 just behind Tamagotchis.

 

6.

From: Steven Augustine <the_augustine_authority@yahoo.com> 

Sent: 03 December 2019 09:57
To: ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
Subject: Re: PLUS

.

 

Well, we have no choice but to… uh, excuse me, ET…  (takes a minute or two, with a sense of relief, to be frank,  to bite heads off pet cockerels he had been collecting under the ridiculous misapprehension that ET favored them)…  sue Ozzie.  (Wipes chin)

 

7.

On Tuesday, December 3, 2019, 11:29:55 AM GMT+1, ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk> wrote:
.

I believe spat-out chicken heads are one of the main ingredients of Big Whoppers. I’m not sure what’s in the special sauce.

 

8.

Steven Augustine <the_augustine_authority@yahoo.com>
To: ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
Dec 3 at 11:54 AM
.
(ET, don’t think less of me but (not joking here) you’ve just made me hungry. Now back to the mirth…)
.
Yeah, but…  but… what’s worse, word on the street has it that the bat Ozzie chewed off was a trans bat (transitioning to a parrot). Those cockerels I chewed off a few minutes ago (just so you know) were white cis cockerels.
.
PS When I wrote, earlier, that we have to “sue” Ozzie, it wasn’t over his sexual assault (ie he didn’t ask permission before putting its  head in his mouth, did he?) of the bat. No, I meant we should sue Ozzie for cultural appropriation (unless you can’t sue for that, still, yet?)  because, think about it, there’s probably some fairly non-Western culture in which people, you know, do that? Like as a religion or for a laugh? I’ll Google to make sure. This PC stuff is time-consuming but worth it. Please don’t sue me unless it’s absolutely necessary.
.
(erm… I’m putting all this in my blog if you don’t mind… as ever, protecting your true identity to the extent that people assume “ET” is an obvious set of Sci-Fi inflected pseudo-initials)

9.

ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
To:‘Steven Augustine’
Dec 3 at 12:11 PM
.

Maybe it will be better if I undergo cosmetic surgery in order to look like ET – it’ll be far less hassle than trying to explain it all in words.

 

10.

Steven Augustine <the_augustine_authority@yahoo.com>

To: ET@et.org.uk <ET@et.org.uk>
Dec 3 at 12:20 PM
.
We all sort of feel it would be better if you chop your dick off, ET, sure
.
PS I write that knowing all too well that if you do actually chop your dick off, you’ll probably sue me. Unless I chop my dick off preemptively, before the court date (only to discover, in court, that you were identifying as a dick-chopped-off-person but hadn’t actually had the operation yet, in which case I’ll counter-sue you for committing a hate crime against biologically chopped-off dicks… )
.
(it might be risky to post ALL of this…)

6 Comments

  1. speaking of surgically altering parts of one’s body to match someone’s ideas – yesterday’s daily mail said that the person currently known as caitlyn jenner gave advice to a brit tv presenter on this general topic:

    >>Caitlyn Jenner tells her campmates Kate Garraway and Nadine Coyle about her gender reassignment surgery and advises Kate Garraway that she could have surgery on her face to make her look more feminine on I’m A Celebrity.<<

    ms garraway already looks feminine enough, in my opinion, but tastes differ:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kate_Garraway

    Like

  2. “I know trans women who I can without reservation recognise as the women they claim to be. I also know “trans-women” who are worthy of the accusation of gender appropriation and, which goes without saying (or should do, if you wanna forgo being on the receiving end of tedious trans-splainer’s semantic equivalent to rhythmic gymnastics), includes the appropriation of trans-ism, too.” —Stewart Lee, from I’ve really let myself go

    Like

    1. D!

      Stew is very, very difficult to catch being on the wrong side of any social justice argument. But if History tells us anything… (ominous swelling-reverse-gate piano chord as near-futuristic montage of Stew being pelted by rotting-incapable fruit, by (serum-boosted) Seniorist-to-Juniorist-Identifying Activists)… it’s only a matter of Time!

      I was “hit on” by a tiny Trans person (waitress) in a dark nightclub on Marburger Strasse, in 1990, and was quite convinced that my friend, the DJ, who insinuated She was perhaps hiding something… was merely envious (high five). It was just a split-second of picking something up, subliminally, with my million-year-old lizard brain Gender Detector, that suddenly and definitively convinced me otherwise. Still not sure what the cue was! Is there more to Man/Woman than genital config and style? It’s a very old and layered Sys Config.

      Pictures (even vids) don’t contain enough info. On the other hand: why would I care? Only when Women themselves are (again… AGAIN) marginalized by the stealthiest incursion (of Myn?) on record…

      Like

  3. That was a phony quotation, just my lame way of attributing an idea of davidly to the way funnier Stewly. A latter day gag on the Yootoobs is to comment that “(enter whoever the ageing Mister Lee resembles in respective vid) has really let himself go.”

    I agree re. dudes’ attempt at radar-free encroachment, and my comment in the matter of the former had to do with my observation, while knowing full well the sex-at-birth of an interlocutor, that they, heh-heh, indeed radiated from their inner self the fact of being woman, irrespective of the “passing” aspect.

    And so I’ve thereby concluded that the encroachers encroach into not just the territory of actual women who are understandably and rightly concerned about that, but they are also violating a most sensitive socio-cultural matter by tainting innocent trans women with their convenient violation. /Cis Config

    Like

    1. D!

      Well that was a brilliant SLee pastiche, I must say (heel-clicking salute)

      “(enter whoever the ageing Mister Lee resembles in respective vid) has really let himself go.”

      In fact, it was I (i believe) who started the EweTewb meta-riff, a few years back, “Stew’s letting himself go comments have let themselves go” (and, btw, when are they going to invent and market the global copyright APP that can establish who posted a unique or innovative meme/ text first?).

      Stew, IMO, has yet to surpass “Carpet Remnant World” and I think it’s because… as banal and unmodern a suggestion as this may be… he was just a little bit happier back then. More of a spring in his step. He hadn’t quite crossed that line into the fuckless-fat-genius territory that Alfred, Marlon and Orson trail-blazed jiggle-grimacingly before him. Stew can only claw his way back toward the top of that cliff-edge with precisely the kind of Hollywood intervention (trainer/ Yoga/ seaweed smoothies) he was born to mock remorselessly. Unlike what’s-his-name (The Office guy; the Brit who slimmed as he famed).

      Re: Trans-Taxonomies: well if your “problem” is that what you want to be is what somebody ELSE IS, that’s the problem. Why do Trans-Women have to be called Women-Women? If you want boobs AND a dick, or boobs, no dick and a fake vagina… or whatever combination thereof… why can’t you have that and be happy and come up with a NEW (bespoke) legally/socially descriptive term for it? I mean, I think the obvious conundrum is a little TOO obvious. Some Men want to be Women the way some Americans wanted to invade Iraq. But if being born with a dick was the “false” you, how is being given a fake vagina (and decently fake-able boobs) the REAL you? “My appearance did not define me”…. but “my changed appearance defines me”…?

      I enjoyed unquestioningly supporting the totality of Human Rights of Wo(Men) who prefer to fuck (Wo)Men and I miss those straightforward days; it seems so long ago. I prefer, in general, supporting people who aren’t arsenozzles.

      Ready for the TransPet controversies to arrive in 5… 4… 3… 2…

      Like

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