In the twenty years that I’ve been posting unpopular opinions in the public space of the NeoNatoConsensusNet, I’ve been called a “troll” by Christians, Jews, Muslims, White supremacists, Black Obamanauts, Alt-Righters, Lefty-Liberals, NeoCons, Anarcho-Academics, Hilaryoids, Bushnicks, Petersonettes, Zizekians, Murkkans, Israelis, Konsumer Kids, MGTOWers, Hipster Queers, Homeowning Straights, “Race Realist” Delusionals, Chops-licking Misogynists, Trans Activists, RadFems, Blackface Pop Enthusiasts, Batman-loving Undergrads, YouTube-Celebrity minions, i-phone Commies, Thick-Fingered Vulgarians, Demoblicans, Republicrats, Snowdenizers, Assange-ites, NASA-jocks, Wiccans, Darwinians and Pregnant Women.
That last group… pregnant women: what did I do to incur their utterly righteous wrath? Cute story.
Right after beloved Wife gave birth (fairly easily: 3 hours from the beginning of the real contractions until Daughter was at Wife’s breast like a champion swimmer, after some medal-winning, with a beer) I was in a euphorically generous mood and stopped by a birthing forum with useful Firsthand Info. Pangloss-like, I left a comment to the effect that pregnant women, in their early stages, should avoid (as Wife avoided it) packing on gratuitous pounds, despite the hoary Sitcom tradition of “craving and wolfing a banana split covered in hot fudge, tacos and cheesecake,” which can’t possibly have an evolutionary explanation as a supposedly “natural instinct” and is clearly just nonsense: a fat fetus is much, much harder to birth. And fat mothers have greater health risks. And fat fetuses often grow into obese toddlers. And so on.
“You may be eating for two but one of you is the size of a frog for a good chunk of the pregnancy, Ladies” I wrote, with naive wit*. Cue: whitehot pregnant shitstorm of dozens of “radiant” women calling me a tiny-dicked bed-wetting fetus-abusing Troll writing from his mother’s basement.
But, Hey: I was already used to fury-propelled comment thread denunciations, by then, because that is precisely the same mechanism behind every comment thread shitstorm I’ve ever triggered. I was expressing a carefully-considered opinion much too far beyond the appropriate boundaries of the Herdthink Binary range. I failed to express a borrowed (subliminally-imposed) opinion and delivered a logical, fact-based, sincere and meticulously contrarian comment instead.
Q: How can every decent, virtue-signalling, zombie-parrot consumer-citizen of NATONIA avoid making your terrible mistake and thereby avoid living the well-informed, logic-burdened life of a Troll?
A: Why, simply parrot the Party Line that is assigned to your demographic!
Q: How will I know which Party Line is assigned to my demographic?
A: Simply check with your AOL.
Q: My “AOL”?
A: Your Attitudes ‘n Opinions Leader.
Q: Who is that?
A: They are your Most Trusted Celebrities… the ones who somehow seem a little more “soulful” than the rest of the famous folk. The ones you imagine receiving fatherly or avuncular or brotherly advice from in times of trouble. You know: Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, George Clooney, Anthony Bordain (oops), Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart… people like that. Not so much Jimmy Fallon (though Fallon never ever contradicts the feeling-tone established by the aforementioned)… people like Fallon are just there to give people like Clooney or Pitt an occasional special ad hoc platform, and make them look good. The way Letterman and Leno used to.
Hundreds of millions of dollars will go into building the Most Trusted Celebrity Persona of a Tom Hanks type. Movie scripts are crafted for starring vehicles that will add layer upon layer of Perceived Trustworthiness, Perceived Down-Homey-ness, Perceived Wisdom, Perceived Geo-Political Smarts to the Persona. Ten, fifteen, twenty… even thirty years can go into the careful creation of a Most Trusted Celebrity Persona. The image of the Most Trusted Celebrity Persona is very carefully burnished and ring-fenced from taint of scandal (unlike disposable lower-celebrities) so when a very specific, Propaganda-delivering blockbuster about Somali “Pirates,” or America’s Taliban-creating, crypto-Cold War hijinks in Reagan-era Afghanistan comes out, the target-demo is hit directly in The Feels and the desired Attitudes ‘n Opinions are installed as deeply as possible.
TFIC** can’t engineer Consent until they’ve managed your Attitudes ‘n Opinions. It is highly technical shit. Da Massas (Psychopathic Right Wingers by evolutionary definition) are centuries ahead of the Arrogant Lefty Hipsters who kind of assume they’re smarter than “conservatives” (euphemism for Psychopathic Right Wingers or Psychopathic Right Winger Wannabes). And perhaps the average Arrogant Lefty Hipster is smarter than the average Conservative but he/she isn’t smarter than the big bucks Conservative ThinkTank from whence the gameplans issue.
Q: Okay, but what about Arrogant Lefty Hipsters who avoid Hollywood blockbusters? Some of these Hipsters are articulate and degree’d and have responsible jobs and may express opinions that could feasibly infect a nearby member of a demographic that’s a little lower in the social pyramid; many of them are young and energetic and possess enough managerial skills to cause a cascade-effect of problems in Hegemony’s Pyramidal Machine; how do TFIC manage the Attitudes ‘n Opinions of the potentially obstructive/destructive demographic of these Arrogant Lefty Hipsters ?
A: Same as all of the above: AOLs. The Arrogant Lefty Hipsters watch TV like everybody else, don’t they? Jon Stewart, until recently, took care of a large part of that narrow slice of the demographic pie, and his replacements (Trevor Noah, John Oliver) still do. For the especially esoteric Hipsters TFIC have AOL’s like… (now don’t get upset)…. “Edward Snowden,” Julian Assange…
Q: (spits out Spirulina Smoothie) Julian Assange! St. Jules? The guy with the cool hair? But he’s “done so much for Humanity!” And suffered so much in return! How can you… how dare you….? (more linked below)
Disclaimer: since the bulk of this essay is in a 7-page pdf, typos will most probably remain. I noticed just now, for example, that I forgot to add “JFK” to a sequence of initial-clusters at the head of which it obviously belongs. But that blank is easily filled in. You get it.
To indicate the level of naivete of the average college-educated citizen of NATONIA, this outraged tweet:
“When mass murderer and torturer Pinochet was facing extradition in the UK he was treated like royalty in a plush spacious mansion; meanwhile Julian Assange, whose charges are exposing mass murder & torture, rots in a dank and rancid jail cell awaiting extradition in the UK”
Well Duh you fucking Dipshits. Do you really expect to prevail, against the Right Wing Psychopaths running things, with your Boy Scout badge and a pout…? Ever?