Toboggans of the Desert: a Prematurely Seasonal Essay in Two Parts



Berlin (748)-ADJ

  1. A Parable

There are 100 people in a large-ish room; a room large enough to house 100 people. At one end of the room is a chute from which the people periodically collect tokens in payment for tinkering on knick-knacks in the room. In the floor of the room is a chute down which the tinkered-upon knick-knacks are regularly deposited by the 100 people when each little tinker-job is done. In the wall opposite the wall bearing the token chute stands a brightly-lit window in which sits the man who owns the room, the knick-knacks and all the tokens. Periodically, people go to the window to exchange tokens for knick-knacks, paying more tokens for the knick-knacks than they were paid in tokens to tinker the knick-knacks together. Once a year, everyone goes, en masse, to the window in which sits the man who owns everything, exchanging all of their accumulated tokens for all of the knick-knacks they’ve tinkered together during the course of the year (which will eventually be re-deposited, down the same hole in the floor provided for the deposit of freshly-minted knick-knacks, as garbage).

And that’s how Xmas helps the economy.

  1. A Changing of the Guarded

One of the long-standing problems of Christianity, for its practitioners (the ones with enough of an education to be aware of the following fact) is that Jesus was a Jew.  Few Christians will face or discuss this in enough detail to expose the contradictions, but for the “white” Christian American notionally-dominant subculture that thinks of itself as the inevitable, triumphantly-modern extension of Western Europe (and defines itself, metaphysically, in stark opposition to Muslims and Jews), Jesus-the-Jew is a fly in the cosmic ointment. The unconfessed culture-wide psychic torment that this paradox inspires has generated its own gradual 20th Century fix: Secular Christianism.

Secular Christianism: in which Xmas ( that “X” takes on a special significance in this reading) assumes a pivotal role in rehabilitating Christianity. Because it introduces a wonderfully Euro-centric deity.

Some of Santa’s many advantages over Jesus:

    1. Santa is a wise old fellow of CEO-ish age… versus the terrorist-young Jesus.
    2. Santa has a neat white beard and a comfortably padded (and ALWAYS clothed) belly… versus Jesus and his wild, Middle-Eastern-black hair and beard (they tried Scandinavianising Jesus but even the die-hards found it tough to reconcile those blond good looks with a desert origin) and his disturbing,  nude, worker-flat tummy (exposing a freakishly missing navel) on the cross.
    3. Santa runs a factory and is the mayor (or King) of the North Pole… versus Jesus Christ’s disturbing state of no-fixed-abode.
    4. Santa commands a cheerful race of delightfully unheard-from slaves (elves)… versus Jesus and his proto-Communist, neurotic, scheming, babbling apparatchik/ disciples.
    5. Santa is on the winking look-out for “naughtiness” (no big deal: you just won’t get the toy you asked for)… versus Jesus and his Jewishly neurotic obsession with “sins” (very big deal: lake of fire etc).
    6. Santa and his Reaganesque “ho ho ho”… versus Jesus and his endless babbling.
    7. Santa and his festive, sexy “Tannenbaum”… versus Jesus and his creepy cross.
    8. Santa and his Currier and Ives snow… versus Jesus and his Iraq-like sand.
    9. Santa and his very palpable toys… versus Jesus and his blah-blah-blah (the ultimately con-mannish, “you’ll-believe-it-when-you-see-it” promise  of “eternal life”… tellingly reminiscent of a promise of 72 posthumous virgins ).
    10. Santa and his great music… versus Jesus and his dirges (but even the dirges are European and therefore bearable; the original Jesus Christ soundtrack must have been rather like the terrifying call of the Muezzin).
    11. Santa never dies, is never wounded nor even freaks out… versus Jesus and his Thieves-in-the-Temple freak out (among others) and his messy torture-death and that scandalous vagina-like wound in his side (all very ethnic and steerage).
    12. Santa and his implicit offer for us to consume… versus Jesus and his dire demand that we renounce materialism.



Secular Christianism is American Corporatism plus the Aryan Aesthetic (the image-supremacy of the Northern European look) plus the Pagan/Viking appeal of seasonal festivals and Endless War…  and Santa is its Odin.

We just have to wait another three generations until Jesus is totally OUT and Santa can take on the task of subjugating Gog and Magog (are those Jewish names?) unilaterally.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR [letters are vetted for cogency and style]

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