AMOK TIME: FUCKING THE NEW

 

Photo2091-ADJThe dirty little secret of the Pop-Porn-Fashion-Fantasy-Role-Playing Industry is that the best sex you will ever have is with your wife (I write this from the perspective of being a husband: translate gender and/or legal arrangement according to your POV). Whereas the all-but-explicit goal of Advertizing (Capitalism’s Nanny/Lover/Ninja/Chef) is to make you want what you don’t have precisely because you don’t have it (the not-having is the spur and the hook… the endlessly-renewable mercantile resource of grievous consumer need), the Happy Human is the human who is quite fucking pleased with what she/he already has (after a general period of fundamental acquisition) and who works to deepen the connection with it all. Of course, there’s trove-tweaking: you don’t stick to an arbitrary rule of “500 books in my library”… but neither do you look at your library, one day, with tragic ennui, and decide to replace the whole damned thing with something “fresher”. Which is the kind of Sanity that theNeomania they’ve patiently built into the network of our Exploitable Neuroses is doing its best to disable. Eg: The Kindle.

When someone you’ve known (and shared wet towels and chipped coffee cups with), for years, puts his face between your legs and slurps and grunts like he’s competing in the most delicious pie-eating contest in Heaven, the explosive orgasm you will experience, as a result, is only partially down to the rhythmical application of spit-and-friction. It’s more about the fact that someone in a position to know what he’s “talking about” has paid you the kind of compliment that predates civilization and transcends the anonymous reproduction-imperative that spins our planetary (grease-flinging) meat-wheel. No handsome stranger on a bus is capable of paying you the same deeply-informed, ultimately-personalized compliment. No anonymous Penelope Cruz-lookalike (or porn star), likewise, will kiss your toy python with anything as meaningful as the lips that have smiled at you over breakfast for five years. So what’s with all the scentless, naked Javier Bardem / Dolly Parton / Adam Lambert / Jodie Foster fantasies? Simple: Capitalism.

Capitalism sneaked them in there, employing its mercurial ninja-nanny, Advertizing.Capitalism doesn’t want you to be happy with what you already have. Capitalism wants your eye to wander; Capitalism wants you to be bored with everything you buy the instant you “un-box” it. There’s an insidious connection between “needing” the next i-phone and yearning for sex with a celebrity stranger. The next i-phone and the celebrity stranger are both fucking useless and for exactly the same reason: they are only there to undermine your healthy contentment. And, in a psycho-social feedback-loop worthy of M.C. Escher, the subliminal motivation for acquiring the next i-phone is to attract the celebrity stranger (who is, after all, celebrated for her/his strangeness).

As Spock himself once put it (to Stonn):

After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical; but it is often true.

A pithier critique of Capitalism will never be uttered.

It is not logical. Neither is it natural. You’ve been injected with it, irradiated with it, force-fed it since (the) birth (of the age of Advertizing). But, no: Possession is 9/10 of the Joy. Longing only works as a transition. Be Here Now for Better Orgasms. When I whack off, I can’t help picturing my Wife (in those boots)… which makes me a minor Threat to the System.

None of this has anything to do with hellish marriages and/or broken i-phones, obviously. If the i-phone is totally busted, do replace it. If you wake up on a depressed sofa, one morning, to the epiphany that you’ve fucked up and married the fast-acting antidote to happiness: do change. But if you find yourself lusting after the next model despite the fact that the one in your possession is perfectly useful  (and so familiar to you that you’re actually finally getting the most out of its functionality): you, my dear, are a Suckah.

The Revolution begins between your long-term partner’s legs and it radiates from there.

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*All references to “Capitalism” in this essay are understood to mean “Late-Model Capitalism”, as I’m not old enough to recall earlier versions

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